Insanity. Part 1.
And i had a good reason for that aswell.
Everyone around me knows ive been sick.
Everyone around me knows ive been sick.
Well not dying dying sick, but cleary so sick that i cant do much for the last year.
So reason why im typing just this day is that my doctors finally knew whats wrong.
So i want to type abit of the story first:
Ive been struggeling with those bastards (as in bastards = doctors).
Way to long now ive yelling and crying in anger to many times.
When they repetedly told me that they didnt know what was wrong.
That they time after time ignored me as a patient,
that they didnt even give me a good try.
Part 1 - Insanity
I remember one time last year, after having a heart scan and alot of blood tests,
i met up with my doctor, and then he dropped the bomb:
"Hey, it seems like your in perfect shape" .. PERFECT SHAPE i thought.
I waited a moment to try to think out what to say, anger was building up in a rapid speed.
And then i saw him sitting there with a dumb smirk on his face,
and saying "Ull be fine, your young" I freaked out, like reeaally freaked out.
Not freaked out as in "im so freakishly afraid right now"
Freaked out like "Yelling furiously and throwing chairs around" and yes, that was what i did.
Ive been in perfect condition whole my life, and after a flu in the beginning of 2010,
my body broke down. I couldnt walk up a normal staircase without almost fainting.
So i had a good reason to freak out.
So what happend then?
Well i said alot in my uncontrolled anger, like:
My doctor talking crap and that he is a joke, that he dont deserve to work or get paied,
that he was pathetic not listening to me as a patient, that he needs to make this fixed. NOW.
They hadnt even tried to figure out why my body is acting like a 80+ old sick lady at that point.
Then in end of the convo (well i was yelling, he was more afraid of the situation)
I said "If you say im in perfectly good shape now, id rather get hit by a car and die"
His smirk on his face that had turned to fear, changed drasticly again to something else.
A face of worry, that he was almost in panic about something.
A feel of that he needed to do something fast.
What do you think he ended up doing?
Well, most of the doctors would act like:
"Omg, this girl is clearly having problems with her health,
i need to help her solve this health issues as fast as possible!"
A doctor with a heart and love for his patients would try to help, to try harder to find the problem.
My doctor was alot diffrent then that, he had no heart, or love for anything it seemed.
He just had one conclusion about me right then:
"This girl is crazy and suicidal, lets lock her up in a padded room"
And so he did. I got locked up at the pshycho house for having pain and muscel problems?
So i ended up at the psycho place at the hospital. Thank you doctor.
For those that knows me well, know that i have since i was small, tiny, young have one problem:
I got Nosocomephobia - fear of hospitals. I have no clue why i have it.
Also i have a weird twist of it, its not ALL the time. Ill give you an example:
I can visit sick friends or family or even just walk tru the hospital (shortcut) with no problems.
I can't even get thru the doors without panic, if i have to go there for the reason about ME,
So if i get in an accident and ends up at the ER with massive injuries,
well id panic so hard id jump out thru the closest window. (Even if its on the 3rd floor)
If i get inside a hospital, i would do anything to get out in panic, i blackout and hit myself out.
And to force one to stay inside the hospital against their will.. well thats smart?
So now you know the problem i would need to face, due to my doctors ignorance.
He was 100% sure i was just making up all my troubles for fun, that i was clearly insane.
And that i was a risk not only to myself, for the people around me thanks to my anger.
Now in afterwards i feel like getting so angry at the doctor at that point was only GOOD!
I had for months and months just been told that its okey, that ill be better, that im fine.
And for months and months ive been sitting there calm and asking polite things.
I had been pushing the doctors to solve my problem in a nice way.
And nice, is not always good. Atleast not in the situation i was in.
So i got locked up, the panic i couldnt stop, came. I tried all i could to stop it, but it took over.
And so the staff there also thought i was insane. I had constant panic i couldnt control.
Those days in there are the worst days of my life so far, and will be worst ever til i die.
I tried to explain for them that i was not insane, that it was my phobia.
And all they did was nodding to me and said: "Of course" with a smile.
I hated the staff, they didnt listen, they didnt care, ignorance all over again.
I gave up, i broke down. I feldt like there were no reason to fight anymore.
Should i face the fact that maybe i am really insane?
A week or so went by, and suddenly i got let out.
Cus at that point, my mom had forced the chief of staff to look at my
hospital journals, were it clearly stood: Has a huge phobia for hospitals.
My mom had tried to explain, yelling, begging to everyone in there about it,
the psycho staff, the doctors didnt listen. And all she got was the same:
Ignorance. Ignorance to not even look at a paper, ignorance to find out the truth.
the psycho staff, the doctors didnt listen. And all she got was the same:
Ignorance. Ignorance to not even look at a paper, ignorance to find out the truth.
Ignorance over the fact that i wasnt insane. Not giving a moment to check.
She had been told over and over again that she needs to understand,
that her daughter is insane. And that this lockup was just good for me.
"It's just Good for her".
She had been told over and over again that she needs to understand,
that her daughter is insane. And that this lockup was just good for me.
"It's just Good for her".
There i was in the free world again, but i had changed.
I didnt smile, i didnt wanna do anything.There were nothing that i wanted to do.
Why bother with anything, all i got so far was getting ignored. I was invisible.
So then, i finally was depressed and a fear for my own health. Thanks to them.
To be treated like i was treated, would get anyone depressed. To get beaten down, mentally.
To struggle to hard with life, and then get tripped over and laughed at. Pointed at.
Placed in a folder, A lying folder, insane folder, mentally ill folder, Ignored folder.
Everyone saw that ive lost my will of living.
Before this happend, i was sick but i was strong and never wanted to give up.
I would have done anything to get this sickness to go away, I had been a true fighter.
But now, i was just something that wanted to be useless, ignored and forgotten forever..
Marked myself as insane. I gave up.
----------------------------------------------
This is the first part of the story of me and whats been going on 2010 and 2011.
Please comment if you got anything to ask or talk about.
Yours truly - B
Yours truly - B
Kommentarer
Trackback